Be more butterfly

Today marks a whole year since the first National Lockdown in the UK due to the global coronavirus pandemic. In a few words I can describe my personal experience as feeling under pressure, out of control and deeply concerned, almost anxious over the well-being of those I love and know. It’s been a ‘banner year’ for most of us. Most of us have experienced first-hand the tangible panic in the supermarkets over essential items like loo roll. It is understandable that a situation like this could cause fear to set in and take up permanent residence in our hearts. And fear can be so contagious. Pressure, being out of control, anxiety are all completely legitimate feelings to have given what we have all had to go through. What I want to talk about today is our response in the midst of situations that really put our faith, obedience and trust in God to the test. They are not always challenging situations. Our response when things are going really well and we are successful is also true. What I’m talking about is maturity and I’m going to be looking specifically at ‘Gentleness’ as a fruit or sign of maturity, using the analogy of metamorphosis in the life cycle of a butterfly.

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Why a butterfly you may ask? And why gentlenesss? We all have symbols that resonate with with us. For me, right now it is the butterfly because, well… Have you ever had the experience where God speaks to you through a visual clue and then all of a sudden, your eyes are opened and you see it everywhere? On new years day 2020, I woke up really early as I was managing a fundraising event. No one else was up and as I was getting all the gear ready from the store room in my garden, I was overwhelmed by a loud chorus of birdsong! I can’t explain to you how awesome it was – all sorts of different birds chirping and squawking simultaneously very loudy! And for me, 2020 ended up being a banner year of learning to really Trust God. And if you’re familiar with Matthew chapter 6 in the bible, you’ll understand the reference. Trusting God like the birds do, and singing in the midst of crisis – well, last year, I was so aware of birds whether in my garden, in my mom’s garden in South Africa that I could hear over the telephone, prints of birds on fabrics, my bible cover, wrapping paper and cards – well they were everywhere. Coincidence maybe, but I feel God was trying to get my attention and teach me a valuable life lesson. I wasn’t particularly looking for a theme this year, but in preparing an event this past week for the women’s crisis centre for International Women’s day that was championing change, I was drawn to the idea of how a butterfly thrives and flourishes because of change and the process that it goes through. Well you guessed it, butterflies everywhere, even on the front of the card that a friend sent to me just this week. Few of us would identify gentleness, symbolised by a butterfly in my analogy, as a major need in the church right now. But I would suggest that gentleness is perhaps the most neglected or overlooked relational virtue among Christians today. Too many of us behave like caterpillars and don’t mature into butterflies.

1: GENTLENESS IS A SIGN MATURITY: My analogy explained

If I can take you back to your science lesson when you were a kid, you will remember that metamorphosis is the unavoidable process that the caterpillar has to undergo to become a beautiful butterfly. I think that in the same way, we have to go through spiritual metamorphosis. This new way of living involves “transforming” from one who lives and acts just like the rest of the world into one who lives sacrificially for the Lord. This “metamorphosis”, or complete change, involves the renewing of the mind.

As spring approaches and the butterflies return to our garden, I just marvel at the wonder of this gentle, lovely, feather-soft visitor.  Unlike other insects, butterflies don’t bite or sting.  They don’t buzz or hum.  They don’t transport disease.  Butterflies are beautiful, elegant, peaceful ambassadors from the insect world. But, they do not start out this way.  Butterflies are produced through an amazing, natural process in which a humble, worm-like caterpillar undergoes metamorphosis.  After an egg hatches, just as all earthly life begins with a birth, the emerging caterpillar begins a cycle of voracious eating in order to bring about the great transformation. In order to be changed spiritually, we must also feed greatly on the Word of the God, the Bible.  Some caterpillars eat so much that they grow 100 times their original size.  All of this eating serves a purpose.  It is stored for the next phase, the pupa, chrysalis,  or cocoon. In the pupa stage, the caterpillar becomes encased in a protective covering.  While hidden inside this cocoon, amazing things are happening.  Cells that were present in the original caterpillar begin to grow into wings, legs, and antennae.  All of these changes occur using the stored food from the caterpillar’s great time of feeding. As a Christian, we also are in transition.  As we feed on the Word, we develop spiritual attributes that weren’t present in our former worldly self.  When the chrysalis stage is finally over, what emerges looks nothing like the original caterpillar that went into the cocoon.  Instead, there is a lovely, vibrant butterfly! The beautiful, gentle butterfly stage also has a main natural purpose– to reproduce.  Isn’t that also the purpose of believers, especially those who are mature and Christ-like?

WHAT IS GENTLENESS?

According to google, the origin of the word “meek” in English apparently comes from the Old Norse word meaning “gentle,” though perhaps a fuller understanding comes from the Greek origin, “prautes”, which is translated as “strength under control.”

On Virtues And Vices, Aristotle had this to say about “prautes”…”the ability to bear reproaches and slights with moderation, and not to embark on revenge quickly, and not to be easily provoked to anger, but to be free from bitterness and contentiousness, having tranquillity and stability in the spirit.” Prautes was used in secular Greek writings to describe a soothing wind, a healing medicine, and a colt that had been broken. In each instance, there is power for a wind to become a storm, too much medicine can kill and a horse can break loose. Thus prautes describes power under control.I accept that when people think of effective leadership, they don’t often mention gentleness. Ideas like bold, courageous, and brave more easily spring to mind. And yet, when we think of some of the world’s most influential leaders – people like Gandhi, Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Rosa Parkes, Stephen Hawking, John Sentamu – gentleness is probably the word that first springs to mind. The problem, it seems, is that gentleness as an attribute is all too often mistaken for weakness. These leaders demonstrated that this is categorically not the case: gentleness can be bold, can be determined, can be courageous, and can be forthright – but it is never harsh, never condescending, never aggressive. So in a world that seems to elevate being loud, fierce, charismatic and fearless what is gentleness and what does the bible say about this particular attribute of God, and fruit of the Spirit?

“Gentle and humble in heart” is how Jesus described Himself (text).

It seems like a contradiction, doesn’t it? Can a King be gentle at the same time? Jesus was. Can Christ-followers argue forcefully for kingdom values yet in gentleness? Apparently, the Apostle Paul thought so – “pursue . . . gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith.” (1 Timothy 6:11-12) Those who oppose the Christian message are to win over with “gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15). Christian believers are to exercise wisdom with gentleness (James 3:13) and “live gently” – “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12). How do you measure “greatness?” What kind of person causes you to remark, “That’s a great man or woman!”  “Meekness” is underrated and much misunderstood today. But true meekness produces amazing greatness. The most humble man that ever lived said, “Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth” (Matt:5) His definition of greatness comes in sentences like this: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls (Matthew 11:28-29). Labouring and being heavy laden is the minimum requirement of being accepted into Jesus arms and qualification for fellowship with Him. We don’t need to unburden or collect ourselves before we come to Him. If I want to know Jesus more, I need to understand exactly what He means when He says of Himself that He is gentle and humble in heart, we must desire to be more gentle in how we respond. Turn your caterpillar reaction to a butterfly response, and don’t under-estimate the miracle of the process during times of testing.

2. GENTLENESS IS A CHOICE

Every day we are faced with opportunities to behave like a caterpillar and react in an immature way that looks like a bit like a tantrum, an angry word that you later regret or selfishness. Every day we are faced with as many opportunities to respond like a butterfly, mature, gentle and humble like Jesus. Our butterfly response looks a bit like this: Meek. Humble. Tender. Open. Welcoming. Accommodating. Understanding. Honouring. Willing. Compassionate. Restraint. Graciousness. Unselfishness. Mercy. Tolerance. Patience. Considerate. Forgiving. This kind of maturity looks like a kind word to someone who has hurt you because you understand that they are hurting; or it can be allowing God to vindicate you when others have falsely accused you of wrong; the ability to take unkind remarks with good nature. Turn your caterpillar reaction to a butterfly response.  When we do, we really please the heart of God. As an example from my own life, I can truly sense His pleasure when I respond to my children in a gentle tone when they sometimes test my patience and push me to the limit. In that moment, I have a choice. I can lose control and raise my voice. This would be my caterpillar reaction to this chrysalis situation – a perfect opportunity for spiritual growth. But I remember that butterfly, and even though I’m struggling with pressures of my own, sometimes suffering from a complete lack of sleep or stress. Rather than raising my voice because I’m struggling, and I believe God has compassion on me and understands the struggles of a working mom with lots of responsibility.  I choose to respond rather than react. I don’t lose control and then later regret it. There have been a number of times when I’ve had to apologise to one of the kids for my behaviour when I wasn’t gentle and this is a very humbling experience for any parent. If we look at how Jesus deals gently with the ignorant and the wayward, what elicits tenderness from Jesus is not the severity of the sin, but whether the sinner comes to him. Whatever our offence, he deals gently with us. He does not scowl, scold, lash out and handle us roughly. All this restraint flows from His tender heart for people, not because He has a diluted view of our sinfulness. Turn your caterpillar reaction to a butterfly response.

3. GENTLENESS IS PAUSING TO RESPOND

As a brand new Christian at the age of about 16/17, I was super excited when a woman with a prophetic gifting on the apostolic team that our church related to came to visit to minister to the youth group one Friday night. My heart was beating out of my chest as she spoke, I hung on every word and deeply desired that the Lord would give her a word for me that night. The meeting ended with a time of worship and ministry while she walked through the group and prayed and prophesied over the 300 or so young people gathered there. There was such expectation in the air and a real sense that God was meeting with each of us. I could sense that she was moving in my direction and I kept my eyes closed and my heart focussed on God as she prophesied over a person next to me in great length. Then she came to me, placed her hand lightly on my head, she took a deep breath, and said ‘Oh, here is a gentle spirit’. And then she moved on. I did not know what to think at the time. It was not quite the word I was anticipating of leadership, mighty exploits for the Kingdom, women’s ministry, marriage, children or church planting. It was about gentleness and that somehow I encompassed that, and she affirmed that to me, and I believe it to have been prompted by the Holy Spirit. I have carried that word with me in my heart all these years and I will never forget it. Occasionally, the Lord has reminded me of this word like the example I mentioned of me with the kids, and I catch myself realising that I have a choice to be caterpillar or butterfly. And I’ve been deeply convicted when I have counter-acted that affirmation with reactions to situations rather than responding.

In very practical terms, I would suggest that being gentle is pausing to respond in a situation that puts your faith to the test and requires restraint. This quality comes from having a humble opinion of one’s self, along with the inner strength to control one’s emotions, tongue, and behaviour. Before we react to a situation,  let us practice mindfulness  and self-awareness, just take a deep breath and a proverbial step back, ask the Lord in that moment for strength and grace to respond, and then act or say what you need to say. As I’ve said, gentleness is a relational virtue, so this can be in the context of family relationships, friends or colleagues at work, the irritating person who cut in front of you at the supermarket when buying those loo rolls – we will be salt and light to the world when we exhibit gentleness and humility like Jesus.

4: GENTLENESS IS OTHERS-FOCUSSED

Gentleness is more than a personal disposition. It’s an outgrowth of love for others. A gentle person seeks your best interests and not their own, and does not draw attention to themselves. We see countless examples in the gospels of how Jesus related to people around Him. Like Jesus, we need to be others-centred and not self-centred. Gentleness is love, guided by self-control, applying just enough strength to serve someone in a way they can handle.  Gentleness is love in action because love is what leads you to consider someone’s history, strengths, weaknesses, burdens—even their facial expression and tone of voice—and responsively adjust your bearing. Only a self-controlled person can turn the flood of what they think needs saying into the trickle of what the person in front of them needs to hear. Only a self-controlled person can use their energy and passion to build up rather than bowl over. Gentleness recognizes that we all have limits, the giver as much as the receiver. Christians should keep being gentle even when we’re not treated gently in return, precisely because that is how God has loved us in Christ. When we had done nothing but spurn him, God came to us in Christ: not to condemn, but to save; not to crush, but to comfort. So cherish the gentleness of Christ toward you, and let’s be gentle as He is gentle. Turn your caterpillar reaction to a butterfly response.

5: GENTLENESS IS FOR EVERYONE, MEN & WOMEN

Some people resist gentleness because they associate it with being weak or effeminate. Strength and gentleness can seem mutually exclusive. For guys: as we picture what it means to man up and be a leader in the home and in the church, gentleness isn’t, for many of us, a defining element of that picture. The way forward isn’t by choosing gentleness over manliness, but by rightly defining manliness according to Jesus.The supreme display of Jesus’s manhood, however, was in his sacrificial laying down of his life on behalf of his bride, the church. When defining what it means to be a husband, Paul speaks simultaneously of the husband’s headship and also the husband’s sacrificial, Christlike laying down of his life on behalf of his bride (Eph. 5:25–33). Such sacrifice isn’t unmanly: it’s one of the most important displays of masculinity. Any immature man can be a forceful, unheeding, unloving “leader.” Only a true man can be gentle. True manhood isn’t a hard, tough exterior with a soft, spineless interior, (like a caterpillar – see how my analogy works) but just the opposite—a steely, rock-solid interior mediated through an exterior emanating with the beauty of gentleness, just like a butterfly. And this is true of women too. 1 Peter: 3v4 Do not let your adornment be merely outward, rather let it be the hidden person of the heart – the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. If we go back to the Greek word ‘Prautes’ that I mentioned, we will see that it occurs twelve times in the New Testament: nine of those are in Paul’s letters, and none of these verses primarily address women. The quality of gentleness is for all followers of Jesus to pursue and cultivate if we are to become more like Jesus.

1. Gentleness is a sign of maturity
2. Gentleness is a choice
3. Gentleness is pausing to respond rather than react
4. Gentleness is others-focussed
5. Gentleness is for everyone

Two things I need to do:

1) I need to expand my understanding of gentleness by studying the Word of God,

2) I need to actively make a choice to let that understanding and revelation change the way I live my life.

Turn your caterpillar reaction to a butterfly response. – click to see the sermon on video

Keep worshipping! x

Maintaining well-being after a tragic loss – lessons from grief

At twenty-two years old with the call of God on my life to church-plant in a country I had not yet been to with the man I had been married to for just over a year, I remember being asked if I was ‘ready to become a mother’? My eyes widened – our pastor meant spiritual children, but also physical children to come. I answered with an emphatic ‘yes!’, excited to discover what that meant as it had always been my dream to be a mother. Jean and I left Pietermaritzburg, South Africa and arrived in Brighton, UK on the South Coast of England to lead South City Church. Within three months of our arrival I was pregnant with the our first of five babies who would all be born in under ten years – my husband jokes that this is evidence of our commitment to church growth! Joseph Daniel was born in December 2004, but just after his third birthday, he died suddenly of Sepsis in 2008 – a secondary infection from the tonsillitis he had been diagnosed with on Saturday, but which had been missed by the medical team on call that weekend. We kissed him goodnight on Sunday, laying hands on him and praying that the Lord would heal him. On Monday morning, we went to wake him and found his lifeless little body in his cot in our bedroom. I was 26 years old when I became a bereaved mom which has transformed my life forever.

A lot has happened in the past 12 years since Joseph went to be with the Lord. I have learnt many lessons about well-being which I feel privileged to share with you. It is my hope that you can learn from me without having to experience what I have had to gain this depth of insight. Our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being are all independent topics but are intrinsically intertwined. Let me also say right off the bat, that every loss is unique – we are all impacted by some form of ‘loss’ in varying degrees and we should try not to compare losses. I will try my best to sum up some of my lessons so far…

Firstly, grief is not linear and it is not a mental illness however it can trigger mental illness. In the first year after Joseph’s death, we had to endure the ordeal of a Coroner’s inquest which found gross failings by the doctor who we placed our trust in during that critical time when his life could have been saved. I spent my nights researching medical journals and on google to try and get some answers. I felt enormous misplaced guilt as a mom – my primary job is to nurture and make everything better and I wasn’t given the option of trading places, my life for his. All these thoughts and bargaining games with God was not healthy for my mind or my faith. Our second child, Abigail, was nearly two years old when her brother died. I had to put my grief aside to help her with her grief. It was only seven years later that I discovered ‘talking therapies’ which helped me enormously, ten weeks of specific counselling that was focussed on me. It was life-transforming! Having a loving, caring and supportive community of friends and family is great, but there is real value in having some form of counselling, preferably Christian counselling in your church setting, which I highly recommend you seek that out, or if you are unable to do that for yourself, assign a trusted friend with the job to do that for you.

I feel my grief in my throat, and many people who have had to endure pain or loss, often express that they ‘hold their breath’. Without even realising it, I was doing this. The Lord spoke to me and without intentionally looking for this key myself, He opened doors for me to take part in activities that would enhance my breathing. My grief often made me feel foggy-headed – my memory was awful and I struggled to make decisions, and I can attribute this to an obvious lack of oxygen to my brain due to a lack of proper breathing. I took up running which is very much an exercise in breathing technique, and the discipline of training is good for me too, finding that it improved my mental health as well as my physical health. Running is a great metaphor for life and is often referenced in the Word, for good reason. When I run, I can feel the lifeblood in my veins and my heart thumping, reminding me that life is a gift, every heart- beat, every breath. I also got involved in a choir – singing and music has always been a very important part of my life. While working at a heart charity, I discovered that when a choir members sing together, their hearts beat in unison which I think is amazing! This is because they are breathing intentionally to sing, which also regulates heart rhythm – a great benefit to alleviating stress. So, when you hear people say, ‘just breathe’ – it’s very true. It’s a simple thing, but something very powerful to physical and mental well-being. Additionally, I learnt early on in that first year, how important a few other ‘simple’ keys helped me: getting enough sleep which meant going to bed on time and waking up on purpose; drinking enough water and avoiding too much caffeine or alcohol; eating the right types of food that nourished my body, and not just ‘comfort eating’ – very easy to do! Self-care is not always spa days, it can be as simple as having a shower and getting dressed for the day.

Other things that have truly helped me: maintaining a routine; journaling – giving myself permission to ‘feel my feelings’; getting outside and appreciating the beauty in nature; helping others; reconciling the season that I am in with the immovable truth of God’s Word by spending time at his feet, allowing God’s perfect love to drive out all fear and having my identity based firmly on Christ; keeping Joseph’s memory alive – this really puts me in a good space, and I love it when people share in this with us. Vulnerability is powerful, it is not a sign of weakness. It is also okay to make an effort – put some make-up on and buy a new outfit, be ambitious. God can do great things with anyone who is completely yielded to Him, even while enduring great pain and suffering.

I now work for the UK’s leading child bereavement charity as part of how I forge meaning from this experience.  Much of what we do is to educate and normalise how we communicate about death, dying and bereavement. It is very rewarding to be able to give back in this way and to help newly bereaved children and families.

Child Bereavement UK: https://www.childbereavementuk.org

Griefshare: https://www.griefshare.org/countries/za

South City Church: https://www.southcitychurch.co.uk

Worship Diaries: https://www.worshipdiaries.com

Little birds…

God has been speaking to me through the birds in my garden especially this year – not literally, but I have never really noticed the sheer volume of them that inhabit our own private little city ‘park’ at home. We are really blessed with a lovely big garden in the city – an absolute necessity when raising children, especially as we both grew up in Africa and are very outdoorsy people anyway.

2020 has not really panned out as most of us were expecting – something to which we can all relate I’m sure! I wonder what you were doing on New Year’s day, 1 January 2020 to welcome in a new day, a new month, a new year, a new decade. I personally find New year’s day to be bitter sweet. I feel full of hope and enthusiasm for the future, but I also carry a deep sadness that those I love who are no longer with us on this earth will not be here for any part of it – the milestones and happy parts that I am hopeful and enthusiastic about. I am sad that our son, Joseph is no longer with us and he will not grow up. This year he would be turning 16 – a big birthday. That’s 13 years without him… you can see, that I’m doing all the maths in my head – this is what I do every new year’s day… I reflect and plan, going into myself.

So on New Years day, I got up earlier than usual to prepare for a charity memorial event that I had prepared. As I was heading into my office, I was overwhelmed by a loud chorus of birds – it was hard not to notice. I don’t think they realised that today was any different to any other day – they probably do this all the time I thought. And they do, and I’ve only now started to notice.

And so after all my reflecting and planning, I take everything to my Father in Heaven who loves me and is in control, all the bitter bits and sweet bits. He cares for me, and I’m reminded of this through His Word: “Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable than any birds!” Luke 12v24 ESV

Sitting in my garden, it is hard not to see (and hear) that the birds that live and thrive here, are taken care of by God. They are perfectly content and sing all day long. They don’t worry – they are taken care of. Because they are valuable to God. Why would I even think that I would not be taken care by Him too, me… who He created in the image of Himself for His pleasure. The bird song in my garden is deafening. I can hear all sorts of different species of English birds. They sing loudly and they seem to have a lot to sing about. How much more then, if I am more valuable to Him than birds, should I then sing….

The birds in my garden set the bar high. I have been so much more aware of them this year – especially in the lockdown. We have 2 nests of blue tit babies – thriving! Magpies, turtle doves and blackbirds – thriving. The birds on the other end of the phone when I call my mom in South Africa – yes my ears are even in tune to birdsong there – thriving!

I am as unsure of the future as the birds must be, – but I can also thrive and I can sing.

I encourage you, en-tune your ears to birdsong and let your heart not be worried about the future.

Thanks for reading, keep worshipping.

In this together…

On Monday, 23rd March 2020 – my family and I went into hibernation. The COVID-19 Cornovirus pandemic would require that the UK go into lockdown the very next day when our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson would make the announcement. The children did not go to school that week and I was working from home and hadn’t been into London, where I work, since 10th March. As I write this now on Tuesday 5th May 2020, I shudder to think of the hour long commute and how in the world I would avoid the thousands of people in our Nation’s capital or that on the 10th March when I was having meetings all across London, the virus was on the prowl. At the same time though, I really miss the rhythm of my work and the excitement of working in the City. I can’t help but wonder what the world will look like when we all come out of isolation.

What was meant to be a 3 week lockdown since March, 24th (which should have ended on Tuesday 14th April, the day after Easter Monday,) has turned into 6 weeks of isolation so far.  The family and I have not left the house together for over 6 weeks. Sunday was the first time we ventured out very tentatively for a walk in the park near our home. It felt surreal but good to get out. It was my husband’s birthday, and it felt like a fitting opportunity to do something special, but I couldn’t help but feel like it was also a bit risky.

For the past 5 weeks, I have been on furlough from a job that I really love. I am a fundraising manager for the nation’s leading child bereavement charity – a cause very close to my heart. I am so grateful for the job retention scheme from the government and that I will have a job to return to after the lockdown but I am restricted from doing anything fundraising related, which I find very frustrating because it doesn’t feel normal not to respond and help where help is needed most, as the charity sector is being hit hard financially. However, the real blessing here is that during this time of furlough, I have had the breathing space I need to reflect and connect with me again, and it has truly been a gift to have exclusive family time, just the 6 of us. Don’t get me wrong, homeschooling and working from home is tough and we get on each other’s nerves at least once a day, but for the most part, our lives have been simplified and we are connecting on a very deep, almost primitive level.

There is a joy and gratitude for the smallest things that bring pleasure – a tasty meal, sitting in the garden drinking cups of tea, beautiful sunshine-y weather, painting, reading, naps in the hammock, fixing bikes, gardening and planting veggies… these things have helped to also relieve the angst we are all feeling. The greatest stressor is the acquisition of provisions – the weekly dash to the shop in home-made PPE. My husband bears this responsibility well, but it is always very stressful for him. Essential items like toilet paper and rice have sold out… queues of anxious people waiting in line two metres apart … people in the queues coughing and everyone else stepping back… people avoiding each other in the streets and mothers screaming at their toddlers at the beach not to go to near the man with the cute puppy and the poor tike shouting back ‘what?’ – five year old George does not understand why he ‘should not go near people’. Having to repair the fence panel between us and our neighbours whose daughter is best friends with our daughter with the aim of separating them… It makes my heart sad. I had a proper cry about that fence panel.

Over the past 6 weeks or so since this all happened, I have been vlogging my response in an aim to encourage others but to also help me process everything in my head. My response is… worship.

Worshipping is my run-to. My Father in Heaven is my goal.

The way that this global pandemic makes me feel is not too dissimilar to when our son, Joseph, died suddenly 12 years ago. It has conjured up those emotions I know all too well as a bereaved mom. Feelings of anxiety, loneliness & isolation, fear of the future and tragedy striking again, disillusionment, disconnection from friends and family, the inability to make decisions, not knowing what day of the week it is, wearing pyjamas all day, people crossing the street to avoid me… That is what my life looked like in those early days of my bereavement. And now,  all of humanity is feeling these sorts of feelings because of Coronovirus, and we are all feeling them, not just me in my world. When Joseph died, one of the cries of my anguished heart was that the world would just stop spinning for a moment to acknowledge that he had left this world. It did not seem right or fair that everything else around me was ‘business as usual’. But that is what this pandemic has done, it has literally changed every corner of the world and everyone in it, stopping us in our tracks simultaneously – we are all affected by it, every single human on this planet with no exception. You see, Joseph’s death affected me, my family and my community. COVID-19 affects the entire human race in one swift sweep.  If ever there was a moment to educate people about what grief looks and feels like, it feels like this! We can all relate, because we all have to respond in this current global crisis. A bereavement is so personal, and often a very lonely experience while the rest of the world carries on merrily. It is not comfortable to talk about pain, tragedy and crisis – but right now, we can’t help but talk about it and our response to it. It is quite refreshing, but it also has made me feel quite raw again. My response – worship. It has to be worship.

Worship lifts our eyes above this world. God gave me a vision of Joseph worshipping in Heaven. I already knew that worship is one of the things that we do on earth that we will be doing for all eternity in Heaven when we get there. I could connect with Joseph when I would raise my voice and my hands to Heaven, because he was doing the same. Heaven is more real for me in a way that I can’t explain to you. Because I know that I will see my son again. ‘Where my treasure is, there my heart is also’. Worship is faith. Worship is hope. It is a supernatural response to the natural. And when I lift my eyes above the suffering in this restless world, all I can see is Jesus – my saviour and the lover of my soul, the Prince of Peace. Someone told me early on while I was wrestling with my pain and seeking answers, that I should worship God, even if I had to grab myself by the scruff of the neck like a mother cat with her kitten, and lift myself up and open my heart and mouth to worship God. I feel my grief in my throat, and I couldn’t sing for a long time. But as I started to cry out, my healing began.

My healing continues as I journey through this world. This is part of my story and part of what makes me me. My heart is full of song in worship to my King – He is seated on His throne and He has not lost control, He has not forsaken me or us, and He never will.

So keep worshipping, friend. Even when you don’t have words. Let the groans come out – they are precious to the One in whom you place all your trust. Sing the song in your heart, He is listening, and the world is watching.

Thank you for reading. x

 

 

Keep your eye on the ball… not

Let me tell you a funny story… well I think it’s funny. It’s about my black Labrador, Chase who, as you’ve guessed it, loves to chase a ball. His favourite ball is a tennis ball, a bright, fuzzy, yellow green tennis ball. I love to take him to my local park where he can run around and play, meet other humans and dogs – he is super friendly with a big goofy smile and all tongue. He is the most adorable dog, he really is and I am so grateful to have him in our family’s life.

I have a red ball thrower for him so that I can achieve further distance to give him maximum exercise, which he needs only being 18 months old and full of energy. The first throw is always so exciting for him and for me. I usually throw the ball in the direction that I am walking across the field at Hove park and he anticipates it. As I raise my arm with the red ball thrower reaching behind me for the second time, he automatically assumes that I am going to throw the ball in the same direction as before and again, bursts out from my heel where he has placed the ball for me to swoop up, and before the ball leaves the thrower, Chase has launched out and is already at the anticipated landing spot of where he thinks the ball will land. So to be kind, the next few throws are in the same direction and I am still moving but I need to change course. This might be because we are nearing an unfriendly looking dog, or I want to avoid the puddles where he has to roll in like a pig, or I just want to mix it up. So he retrieves the ball and places it on the ground and darts out even before I throw it once again. At this juncture, let me just mention how smart I think my goofy black labbie is to do this. He is showing real intelligence and is considering the best way to play his favourite game as many times as possible. He really could do this all day.

However, I decide to change the direction of the ball throwing activity. Some of the first times I did this, I would throw it in the new direction thinking that he would hear the sound of it landing slightly to the left or right of the previous game. But he doesn’t hear it and can not find it until running around like a mad thing, and I’ve walked to where it is to show it to him because no amount of pointing is clear enough or shouting : “there, there’, will do. The same thing would happen when the kids played this game with him and I can tell you, we lost lots of tennis balls this way! But that is not the funny part. Because he does this crazy running off thing in the direction that he THINKS the ball is travelling, I now let him run ahead at full throttle while the ball remains suspended mid-air in the ball thrower in my hand. He crashes to a stop at the spot he was expecting, and then at top speed, he spins in a circle realising that at this point, I’ve changed direction. He looks hilarious as he does this, pink tongue flailing about his mouth, big brown eyes with white showing and ears flapping…. and then he looks at me and realises that the ball is still in the thrower and I am waiting for him to turn around so that I can show him the new direction. His eyes lock with mine and then I throw the ball again, knowing that he will now see where the ball is going because he has reconnected with me.

There is a point to this story other than the giggle that I hope it invoked….

I work in a fast-paced job as a manager in the charitable sector and part of my working culture is reflective practice. To this end, I listen to blogs and read quite a bit and an article popped up about time management and prioritisation to maximise output when juggling lots of different projects simultaneously. The title was something like “keep your eye on the ball” or “what’s your tennis ball” and being like a dog with a ball – essentially that we must keep the focus the focus and not get side-tracked too much.

I was reflecting on how this applied to the different areas of my life, and thought that it was very sensible and would definitely work, unless of course, it’s not all about the ball. You see, I think the things that God has given us – talents, opportunities, family, jobs, callings, ministries – they are the tennis ball and we could be really successful. But just like the game with Chase, what we really need to do is keep our eye on Master, our loving Father in Heaven. We can be very good at keeping our eye on the ball, but we can end up expending energy unnecessarily , getting sidetracked and thinking that somehow we know what He is doing, and end up spinning in circles totally missing it, until we stop, look at Jesus and He re-centres us once again.

So I propose, it’s not the ball you need to keep your eye on or focus on “what’s your tennis ball”… but rather, keep your eye on The Master.

Thank you for reading. Keep worshipping.

Baptism

Having recently uncovered a suitcase of journals, I am able to accurately pinpoint the day of my baptism to Sunday, 9 August 1998. I am so happy that I know this fact – baptism is a significant moment in a Christian’s life and I always feel emotional when I witness other people taking the same step. Like when people cry at weddings.

Just recently, our small church plant had the privilege of baptising a young man named Alfred. It was the middle of February and it had been snowing that week. But here he was, asking us to help him take this step of obedience inspired having been inspired by the Ethiopian eunuch. Kind friends of ours with a pool and a hot tub, suggested the hot tub because of the weather – and so it was a first, for all of us. It was absolutely fantastic and reminded me of my own water baptism.

‘And as they were going along the road, they came to some water, and the eunuch said, “See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptised? And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptised him”. Acts 8:36 – 38 ESV

My husband and I baptised our eldest daughter a few years ago and it was such an incredible thing to do as a parent – to see your child take this brave step, proudly proclaiming faith in Jesus in a such a public way, for all the world, natural and supernatural, to witness. We look forward to guiding our other 3 children to faith and baptism in the future too.

At South City Church, we have baptised a number of people and it has been our joy and privilege. We have baptised a young convert from Islam in our bath tub in our terraced flat in Hove after a mid-week prayer meeting, as well as a number of young people at Hove beach. My husband was baptised in a river on the same day that his mother was baptised and he recalls that it was incredibly special and significant.

Just recently I came across this image and it really resonated with me. I love how art can speak to us in ways that words cannot. I share it with you today and hope that it encourages you.

Thank you for reading. Keep worshipping.

Write…

On the 15 May 1998 at a Friday night Youth meeting led by Steve Wimble, I made an official public choice to follow Jesus Christ when I asked Him to take over the steering wheel of my life, recognising that I needed the free gift of Salvation that cost Him his life. I was 16 years old and I already knew that my whole life had been leading me right up to this point: the occasional visits to Sunday school while attending a Church of the Nazarene preschool (called Jabula) ; the elderly lady there named Pat who, when I (aged 5) asked her how Jesus came into your heart, told me that ‘you just ask’, so I did; wanting desperately to read the precious Bible I had received at my Dedication that was off limits with it’s white bonded leather and silver edges, (temptingly on display on our TV cabinet between two matching black versions of it that belong to my twin brothers, Jason and Clifford); borrowing Psalty the Singing Song Book cassette tapes that my friends at school told me about; being moved so deeply by the Christian hymns and assemblies that Mrs Eudy at Longmarket Girls School led; and finally – an invitation to an Alpha Course at New Covenant Fellowship Church in Bisley, Pietermaritzburg while in Standard 9 at Carter High School. My friend Candice had invited everyone she knew, including me and my on-and-off boyfriend Joshua. I had seen a complete transformation in my friend’s life – from party girl to completely on fire for Jesus. Josh decided at the last minute that he did not want to go. A whole new life started for me and I was hungry to know this God who knew me so well and loved me so much. Since then, I have kept a journal or notebook and have continued to be an avid writer and reader, but especially so in those early days of my Christian walk as a new believer. Songs, poetry and musings poured out of me as I immersed myself in the the Word and spent time with my new Spiritual family. 

Fast forward 5 years to December 2003, and together with my husband Jean, Associate Pastor at New Covenant Fellowship (and Psalty the Singing Songbook for the church’s kids ministry outreach), we were sent out by the church to plant ‘South City Church’ in Brighton, UK.

Fast forward a further 16 years to present date, and I am sitting in my bedroom with my journals around me and realising again just how awesome God is and how He has led and guided me through every valley and mountain top experience (and continues to do so). Reflection is a powerful skill to learn, and something I use everyday in my professional life too. This is more than just nostalgia. Reading my own thoughts back to myself and the prophetic words that I scribbled down so as not to forget, is an amazing way of hearing my own voice and seeing God’s faithfulness at every step. It’s also amazing that I have ALL my journals with me now. When we emigrated I had to leave them behind and give my 23kg allowance to things like clothes. But over the years, I have brought them over a few at a time, most of them handmade.

This faith walk is a journey, and I am so glad that I have documented so much of the inception of it – for my children who are finding their own way – but also so that my life might be a window through which others can see a never-before-seen aspect of Jesus. For me, I have pen poised for new adventures and revelations…

Thank you for reading. Keep worshipping.

Run, Nicky, Run

I have started running again. For the third time. You may ask, ‘But aren’t you a mother, that means lots of running around anyway, doesn’t it?’ Jokes aside, the way that I measure my lapse, (other than the layer of dust on my Asics running shoes – the best brand of running shoes by far in my personal opinion) is by the fact that the last race that I actually took part was the Brighton Half Marathon in 2016. The last time I did my weekly parkrun (I was on a running streak and 14 parkruns away from getting my ’50’ t-shirt), was 16 April 2016. What happened?

Running has literally changed my life. It is actually a very good indicator as to my mental health and well being. This is my second blog, dear reader, and if you’ve read the first one, we’re officially becoming friends.  (Wave hello!) You may recall my mentioning that I am a bereaved parent. In 2012, 4 years after our 3 year old son passed away, I had what I call ‘a Forest Gump moment’. I was really struggling socially because of the self-afflicted isolation and loneliness that creeps in after a tragedy and you’re trying to pick up the pieces of your broken life which doesn’t exactly help in the ‘making friends or keeping friends department’.

Let’s start at the beginning: my first running streak. At the age of 20, in 2001, I spontaneously decided to take on running as a sport. I was a waitress at a quirky little oasis of a restaurant in Pietermaritzburg, called ‘Macs Coffee Shop’ after a year’s internship at NCF church (now called ‘One Life Church’). I was single and living on my own and actively involved in church life, especially in the band playing guitar and singing. I had a great network of friends but needed something extra-curricular that didn’t cost a lot of money, and helped me shed the extra pounds I was putting on on account of the delicious staff meals on offer. Tanya is a highly skilled chef!  I bought myself a pair of joggers and running shoes and just started a running streak, increasing my mileage every week. A friend’s dad who worked at the coffee shop was training for the Comrades Marathon, and he helped mentor me and made me think more strategically in terms of training. He was instrumental in me signing up for the Pietermaritzburg Half Marathon, convincing me I had done the training necessary just to get me over the finish line. I actually did quite well (I forget my time, but hey – it was officially my PB). I was more interested in the fact that I had finished. After the race, I walked home to my little granny flat in Hutchinson road on a runner’s high. I hit the shower, annihilated a simple meal, and then slept it off. I will never forget that exhilarating yet exhausting feeling. After the runner’s high, I felt quite emotional, humble and grateful to be alive.

Fast forward 11 years since that first first race in 2001 to the aforementioned ‘Forest Gump moment’ in 2012 – 4 years since the worst day of my entire life. I hadn’t  done any training, races or even gone jogging along the beautiful promenade that we have in Brighton and Hove. A light came on inside of me and instead of just starting a new running streak, (wait for it), I signed up for the Brighton Marathon 2012. But it doesn’t stop there. I signed up my poor husband too! (I still giggle about this to myself). What was I thinking? It is possible that I didn’t entirely trust myself to stick to running when the training got tough. I needed a goal, something to aim toward and I needed a buddy. After all, I had one running streak that I had already broken. I had also gone through the worst experience of my  life. A marathon you say? Tut, tut, tut! Easy peasy.

Training is like homework, apparently.  There is very little glory in it and you certainly don’t have a crowd of thousands cheering you on and a medal at the end of a training session. But it is necessary. And I needed the discipline. I have a very loving and supportive husband who almost made life too easy for me. Seeing me so broken, he took on himself the school run, cooking, doing the lion’s share of housework, etc. But in his being kind and easing the burden, I  allowed myself  to live under a cloud and disconnect. I needed to do something. Emotionally I was a wreck. Some days, I could hardly think straight and I lacked decisiveness. But I had this hope that comes from my personal relationship with God and an inner resolve not to let the enemy win. Physically, I was healthy. But I was not strong. I wanted to be strong in every area of my life: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I felt like I could just about get a handle on things spiritually – I was clinging to my Christian faith for dear life. But emotionally and mentally – all I can say is that it felt like I was walking through an overgrown thicket in deep fog. Nobody else could help me. I had to do this on my own. Physically – I made a choice. I could train my body and beat it to submission and hoped that it would lead the way for healing to come in the other areas of my life. This might sound like asceticism. However, this was not my attempt to make right with God. (In fact that is humanly impossible. He has actually made us right with Him Himself).  This was me appealing to what ever strength I could muster and focusing on that. And for me, it worked. And it still works.

So how is it going you may ask? This ‘new’ running streak? In October I challenged myself and my colleagues at work to fundraise for the charity we work for. I am the new Grant Fundraiser and I thought I’d put a bit of ‘fun’ into fundraising. Naturally, my default setting is running. But as you recall it had been almost 2 years and in running terms, that means starting from scratch. So one of my colleagues and I are running the Brighton Half Marathon on 25 February 2018 to raise much needed funds for our charity. I have a training programme and I’m sticking to it….. mostly. It can be tough to fit in 3 or 4 runs in a week when you have 4 children and are working full time. So, my lovely husband (he really is a gem) organised a treadmill for me which he found dirt cheap on Gumtree. It’s a lovely addition to the decor of the dining area in our conservatory, but hey – this is commitment for you! Plus we have 4 kids under 12 – our home is no ‘Zara Home’ advert! (I love Zara Home just by the way). I also got to thinking…. ‘I haven’t done a single race in 2017! I can’t ruin that streak’. (I’ve competed most years since 2012). So I went on google to find a local 5K or 10K race and low and behold, there was one this side of the New Year: the Crowborough 10K. It happened to fall on 3 December, which is the day after Joseph’s birthday and he would have been turning 13 this year. It felt like a fitting tribute to my darling boy who was also, incidentally, born in Crowborough. (See how God is so intricately involved in the details!) I hardly batted an eye-lid. I had enough in the family budget to squeeze in the registration fee and hey presto, this lapsed runner was back. I knew I could do the distance mentally but felt unsure as to how my poor pins would cope. I love 10K actually. When I was ‘in my prime’ in 2015,  I could run 10K at an average of 5 minutes 30 seconds per kilometre, no problem. If I could just finish the Crowborough 10K at this point, and maybe even finish as close to an hour as possible, I’d be happy. Well, I did it. It was tough. It was uphill. But I did it. I loved the rush of the crisp Wintry wind on my face, hearing my breathing and feeling my heart almost beat out of my chest. Monday morning, I could hardly move. Gratefully, I have a mostly office job, so I didn’t need to do too much moving. Although moving does help.

There are so many running metaphors and lessons for life that come to mind. For me, in that race, I was reminding myself that my heart goes on and Joseph is with me. He actually empowers me and the pain of losing him no linger cripples me. And what this hopefully models to my 4 other children, is that no matter how tough life is, we have a choice and we can cheer each other on, every painful glorious step forward. You should have seen my family cheering for me on the road at that race, and actually, at every race I run. They are the best clappers and cheerers you have ever seen! And they are shouting out for me, ‘go, mom! Go, Nix!’ I can’t describe to you how that makes me feel.

This past Saturday, I decided at 8:30 that I would do parkrun. (It’s worth noting that parkrun starts promptly at 9:00) It is good training and fits within my training programme, plus I was really thinking that I would then only be 13 away from my ’50’ parkrun t-shirt. At 8:50 I left the house, with no make-up on I hasten to add. I got to the car and it was completely iced up. I had to go back into the house, almost tripping over my family to get some lukewarm water in a jug, so that I could clear the windows to be able to drive. I did have a moment of thinking ‘this is not going to happen’. It was now 8:55. I drove sensibly of course and parked at Waitrose. I didn’t check the time (actually the dash clock is not working) and leapt out of the car with only the key, leaving my phone, and started running because I knew that it must have started because the news was being read out on the car radio en route. When I got to the park, the start line was completely empty. I glanced around the course to see where the pack of runners were and could make the first runners out at about half way through the first km. I kept running, picking up speed to catch up, and estimated that I was 3 or 4 minutes late. I was definitely not hoping for a new PB. By the end of the first lap, the elite runners had already surpassed me and I was catching up to the tail end of the whole pack. I must say that it was exhilarating having such fast runners join me, I almost felt like pushing myself to run like them. Nah. That thought only lasted about 0.5 seconds. I steadily caught up and managed to overtake about 15% of the 375 runners that were out that day. But again, what I was most happy with, was the fact that I had miraculously made it to the park so that I could compete and take part. Isn’t that the most important part of most things in life? That we just show up? Take part? There is always an easier path, but choosing to take the right one – more often than not the most difficult – yields far greater rewards. I have had lots of ‘catching up’ to do in life. As we proverbially speak, I am (or should be) writing a 1500 word essay for my third Online University module on ‘Ideas of Authority’ as it pertains to the canon of art. I love learning and I love the subject. I left school in 1999, and didn’t have the opportunity to be a Uni student. So now, in my 30’s, I’ve started studying part-time. It’s not easy, but just like running, I need to practice discipline and self-management. The fruit of my efforts will be mine and mine alone, to the glory of God who has been my ‘Rock and my fortress, my God in whom I trust’ (Psalm:18v2).

I’ll leave you with this last thought: Tear and repair. No pain no gain.

Thank you for reading, dear friend. Keep worshipping.

If you’d like to check out my fundraising page, click here: Just giving

If you’d like more information on Sepsis, click here: Sepsis Trust

If you know a family affected by a bereavement of a child, or children who are affected by bereavement, I can highly recommend: Child Bereavement UK

*In 2012, my husband and I ran the Brighton and Hove Marathon in memory of our son, Joseph Daniel Seevaraj (02/12/2004 – 21/01/2008) who died of Sepsis. I signed us up on 9 January 2012 and on 15 April 2012, we crossed the finish line together and smashed our combined fundraising target for Child Bereavement UK. 

First blog post

Hi there. Thank you for popping on to my brand new blog. I hope it won’t disappoint. I have often thought about publishing my writing for many years now. I find writing cathartic and in hearing my own voice, I feel I can often make sense of the messy stuff in my life and also remember to be grateful. I write songs too! I’ve been doing that since my conversion in 1998. You see, when I found the true meaning of life, I found everything I had ever been longing for and it gave my heart a new song to sing and I’ve been singing ever since. Sometimes, I’ve had to sing myself out of heartbreak. When I couldn’t find the words, and I felt like I was pulling myself up by the scruff of the neck because I was so broken, the Spirit of God gave me heavenly words that would flow from my mouth with hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I have wrestled with God in my pain and every time I do, I feel closer to Him and He shows me something new.

I live in Brighton with my husband and 4 children. My fifth and eldest child is in Heaven and his name is Joseph Daniel. God gave Him to us for 3 amazing, beautiful, happy years. This month he would have turned 13. He died suddenly of Sepsis after having tonsillitis in 2008 and his doctor was found to be grossly negligent at the Coroner’s Inquest. (This GP has subsequently had to appear before the General Medical Council and be accountable for what happened. New policies have also been put in place, in particular: ‘The Three Strike Rule’). I feel passionate about championing the awareness of the symptoms of sepsis and hope that in reading my blog, you might be better informed. I also feel passionate about championing the gospel message of Christ and want you to know that I do not live with bitterness or un-forgiveness towards the doctor who failed our son. Rather, I pray for the doctors and nurses in the NHS and around the world who are faced daily with life and death decisions, often under extreme pressure, and who have to live with the consequences of their choices, actions or in Joseph’s case, in-action. This first blog post is dedicated to them in Joseph’s memory.

I’m not sure what else to add to my ‘first blog post’ as I dive into the deep end of a mysterious new writing adventure. I think I will leave you captivated and hungry for more… (I’m not sure what that will be, but as I journey with God and worship Him, I’m happy to have your company). Thank you reader. Keep worshipping.